Wanting to say a thousand words, but only a few come out from your mouth

I used to write a diary. I haven't written in a year. The last time I wrote, was in Ecuador. It used to help me, to keep my thoughts in some kind of order. I can't now even open one, or actually I did. Yesterday, I read a page about our trip to Mexico in 2003. Then, I didn't tell my diary a lot about my feelings. The newest one, I don't want to read it, I don't want to even touch it. Maybe some good stories exist there also, but the amount of tears that have fallen from my eyes when writing there, I know, it's alot. Writing a blog is different, actually I like the feeling of writing here. I don't really care if people read this or not. It's something that helps me in a way, that I don't really know how to explain.

Never thought

This situation. Never thought I'd end up in a situation like this. Waking up in the morning at 11 and thinking, I'm still here? Amazing feeling. I write about feelings. I think my life consists of them. Yesterday evening wasn't the bes evening in my life, actually the whole day was pretty painful. The person who made my day so painful didn't know it, I didn't even no it. I didn't know myself anymore. But had I ever known? I thought so. Tears are running from my eyes, and I have absolutely no idea how to stop it. No idea. I know a few things at the moment, I know I have a loving home and a few really good friends, I don't really know if I have something more.

I've learned a lot about life, I didn't actually realize it until this very moment, but I know, I have still lot to learn and I'm going to find out what's still waiting there for me in the future. I'm waiting the moment when I can say to others that Yes, thank you for asking, I'm really feeling good today and meaning it. It might take a while, and I know it. Maybe not even a while, maybe a long while, but I hope the moment comes.

I know I have many people who I own a Thanks to. I haven't really decided how I'm going to say it or what I'm going to do to make those people realize that I really mean that simple word, thanks. Or is it so simple? It's easy to say. But to mean it all the way from my heart, that's something that is hard to show.

Confused

The feeling, when you really don't know what you are feeling. It's weird. Hard to explain. The feeling, when you think you feel something, but do you really feel it? I don't know. I'm pretty emotional sometimes and I can't imagine life without emotions, or without some of them. If there's a lot going on in your life, a lot to think about or maybe important decisions to make, is it possible that some emotions just disappear without realizing it? Are some emotions permanent? Or are they not, is my mind just confusing me? Or is it actually my heart?